When I Woke Up

If I could write my life story, which has been so very hard to do, I’d write of how I awoke so suddenly out of a dream that was actually true.

I awoke and looked around to see my three babies almost grown; and I wept for all the lost times that I attempted to build them a happy home.

I’d tried so hard to love them as a mommy is supposed to do; yet being both mommy and daddy caused it so very hard to pursue.

I’d tried to steal all precious moments on tape and camera too; yet it seems I’ve lost most records, so my memories will have to do.

To me, they are still my babies; my three miracles God made come true; I just thank God that I’ve not lost them, and somehow I’ll make it through.

As I dreamt of my beginning, it seems as just yesterday; a tiny child so innocent, yet her innocence was take away.

The pain is still unbearable; I cannot even write it down; I’d rather say that I dreamed it; for by dreaming, I’ll come “around”.

I’d rather remember my Christmases, so bright and filled with lights! Fruits, nuts and peppermint candy, and the snow, so cool, so white!

I like to remember Baby Jesus, of how He came to be; of how He grew and suffered, then hung out on Mount Calvary.

I guess I should be more grateful, of how my dream turned out to be; for whenever I see the suffering of others, how selfish I must be!

Yet sometimes I become so angry, until my anger becomes all drained; sometimes I wake up crying for a mommy who never came.

Sometimes I’m as a small child, so helpless and so sad; sometimes I paint pretty pictures of the joy I must’ve had.

I tried hard to give my children a life that I never knew; yet I suppose I tried too love them; but somehow, I think they knew!

It’s very hard to try and let go of a dream that actually came to be; to put it all behind my life, and to actually focus on just me.

It’s something I may never get over; I’ll remember it every single day; yet I must learn how to live a new life now; a new life come what may!

I’ve had many faults and failures; yet I do not give up; I still try; to continue a life of hope and of faith in a God that will never ever die!

As I paint my pretty pictures of a peacefulness that I now see; I find such sweet peace in Jesus, for He now lives inside of me!

I know that without this peace, my whole life would have fallen apart; I’d have withered somewhere into emptiness, and then to death from a broken heart!

Each day I am thankful for another one; even when the sun may fail to shine; for there is a sun that shines within me, even when I forget to smile. And it shines from deep inside!

- Caroline M.